First of all, I'm not sure if I should even be writing this. I feel like if I write what I'm feeling and then post it I will become the shame of the blogging world or people will be offended by what I write....It seems to me, and always has (since I started blogging anyway), that most everyone I know posts about the lovely happy things going on in their pretty, perfect lives. I just feel so alone in my frustrations and like I'm the only one who sometimes gets annoyed with my children. Am I bitter? A little. I know everyone else out there has bad days...why not vent? That's what I'm going to do right now.
I don't feel like myself lately. I feel angry and unhappy. I am short tempered. I raise my voice at Luke and often snap at Jason. Especially on days like today when neither boy napped! I HATE getting angry with Luke. I know he's only 2. And I know that he is learning how to act watching and listening to Mommy. He's raising his voice and yelling too. Even little Harrison has started screeching at Luke if he's mad. I am ashamed.
I haven't been studying my scriptures. I'm sure that's a reason why I'm feeling this way. I haven't made an effort to study the gospel and learn the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know I should read the scriptures but when do I do it? I guess it could be easily done when the boys nap since I'm too tired to read more than one verse at night (they usually are pretty good nappers). They nap for about two hours and roughly at the same time. I want to go to the temple, more than ever right now so I can feel the spirit there and feel close to my Heavenly Father and shake this awful heaviness I'm feeling. The temple is so close, it's only about 20 minutes away. But it's closed for the next two weeks! :(
I feel like I don't have time to get things done around the house so it's decent looking. I started last week, on Friday, to use the first hour after breakfast as my cleaning time while the boys play or watch a movie. Friday and Saturday went well. Today wasn't so great but there's always tomorrow to try again.
I want friends. Good friends. Here in NE. I don't have that yet. I'm trying. I am friendly to everyone in my ward. I like the sisters I've met. I've gotten together with them for play dates. I've even invited people over to my house to chat and let our kids play ... only a few have actually come. When I invite others over they say "Yeah, that sounds nice ooor maybe we could go to 'this place' (meaning somewhere other than my house) instead." Does my house stink or something? I complain about cleaning but it's not that messy. It's clutter not dirt.
Am I focusing on the negative ... yeah, pretty much. But some days (or maybe a few days in a row) I just have a really hard time finding the joy in the journey.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
It is so hard to be the new person yet to be the one inviting people. Good job on that and just keep trying! I'm so proud of you.
I have been raising my voice at Violet A LOT lately and it is driving me crazy.
Pretty, perfect lives are usually your perception. Do you think mine is pretty and perfect? Sometimes I'm good at putting on that mask but it's not.
What brings joy deep down in your soul? What do you love to do when you are all by yourself? I am happy daily because it is a high priority of mine to do things during the day that make me feel great. Sometimes I sacrifice sleep, or my bathroom is cleaned a few days later than maybe it should, but it's so worth it to me. You have to know what make you, you and feed that spirit so that you can be joyful. Sometimes I can do this when the girls are awake. Like I love doing crafts with them so I make time and effort for that because it makes mothering feel more worthwhile.
Hang in there...you are loved.
You are not alone, and it is perfectly okay to blog about your frustration. It gives the rest of us permission to admit that our lives are not as perfect as they may sometimes seem. I know the winter months are always especially hard on me. Perhaps that is a factor for you as well.
Spring is becoming more and more evident here everyday. I don't know how close you are to saying goodbye to winter time yet, but it might help you to get yourself some flowers, either to brighten up your house or to put in the yard. Spend some time outside if you get a sunny day, open up the blinds and let in the natural light.
You recognize the need to recommit to your spiritual health. That would be a definate help, I think. Most of all, give yourself a break. You are a great mom. Your boys love you so much and anyone can tell you love them too. All this headache will be worth it someday. I sure do miss you here, but I hope you keep reaching out to those around you now. You really will bless your own life as you continue to try and bless others.
Sorry you are having such a bad day. I think it should be very therapeutic to write out your feelings. I am probably guilty of making my blog seem mostly happy even though there are difficult times as well. Sometimes I am better at venting how I am feeling on facebook and I keep my blog for happier things like a scrapbook.
Hang in there. You are a great mom and anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend.
Amen, to you and all your comments so far! I totally know what you are feeling, I have days like that too but just don't get around to blogging about it and I should, because I hate to read about all the happy perfect times of others too! I try to blog about the happy things to remind me of the good times and share them with the Grandparents. I get the same way, and find the corrolation between my scripture study and spiturual health. I so desperately need to get to the temple too and just can't seem to get there, and I feel the affects of it too. Keep up the good work,you are doing a great job with being a wife, mother and a friend! I wish we were closer to hang out! That would be awesome! :) Maybe someday! I bet it feels good to get that off your chest, sometimes that is very therapuetic. Smile. Its contagious! God loves you and so do I! :)
Ahhh Bethany, I'm sorry to hear your not finding friendly people near you. I'm still your friend! Even if I live farther than you'd probably like. I hope things look up for you. Keep smiling!
Everybody has bad days! I composed a text to Aaron just yesterday that he needed to come home RIGHT AWAY before something bad was going to happen to my children. Luckily after I texted it I felt a little better and put it in my drafts folder and didn't actually send it. He then called ten minutes later letting me know he'd be home in the next hour.
Post a Comment